A Tale of Fitting In
Trevor here again, with another tale to share with you. Brenda will once again be sharing from her heart. She has a lot to get off of her chest and writing is the best way, to gradually peel off all these layers of self-doubt, feeling excluded and just not fitting in period. Something she knows is overrated. I will now let her share.
Thanks again Trevor, for that wonderful introduction. As a bit of background, I came from a family of 5 girls. I am the youngest and have always felt, like I never quite measured up. I was the sickly child who struggled in school, almost having to repeat the 4th grade, because of so many days missed. I ended up with bronchial pneumonia and landed in the hospital and broke out with the measles. The only thing that saved me from not having to repeat that grade, was the fact that by some miracle, I was able to keep up with all of my homework. I had a really great teacher that year, who made learning so much fun. She was actually the one that picked up on my reading comprehension problem and made sure that I got the extra help that I needed. At the time, I was not happy that I had to go to another room to do what I thought were odd things, but I was a child and didn't understand that this was actually a way of helping me with my reading skills. To this day, I love to read and I have that wonderful teacher to thank for her caring enough about me, to get me to that learning skills room, that I hated so much in the beginning. I also had to go to summer school, because I struggled with math. Years later, I ended up working in the Accounting Department at the clinic where I am employed for nine years. I was told that I did a good job and I learned much from that experience. I also feel that I am really good when it comes to managing my finances. Again, thanks for that summer school and the flash cards, books that my parents purchased, so I could practice. I disliked it at the time, but in the long run, it was good for me.
So, I have always felt like an outsider and I also could sense when someone else was struggling. Call it a sixth sense, if you will. I didn't realize that I did this, but was told years later by a fellow student, that I had stood up for him. He was shy and I could understand a bit of what that was like, as I was shy too. You may find that hard to believe, but I was.
My activities in school consisted of music, as I loved to sing. I took voice lessons to help develop my first soprano voice. It ended up being a terrible experience and in my senior year of high school, I quit, as I did not want my parents to waste their money. I was no longer enjoying them, as I had the previous years. I don't read notes, but I have a good ear. The teacher was trying to teach me to read notes and I just became so frustrated and it seemed like I was never good enough. It got so bad, that for at least a year, I would not sing in public.
I finally just started performing again, mainly in church settings. I did solos mostly, but I was also in the choir. When I was diagnosed with RA, it became real difficult to stand for long periods of time, but I did, because I loved singing. RA was not going to take away what I loved. Eventually I did have to quit choir, but I did a solo now and again. As time went on this church thought that they had to have only the professionals sing on Sunday, so even when I would offer to sing and was told that I would, it became less. I finally did my last solo and that has pretty much been it for singing in churches or for that matter, even attending a church. Since my brain surgery, it has become impossible to even entertain the idea of attending church. I went to a funeral once after and almost had to walk out, as the organ was really getting on my nerves. As I mentioned in my previous blog, loud noises or high pitches, almost send me to the ceiling. If I am home, I have the luxury of turning down the TV. Someone actually suggested that I wear earplugs to church. Not going to happen.
I really don't sing much for anyone, except in the shower or if I am listening to music. Music has always been an escape for me, when things were just too much to handle at times. I really believe that my RA was kicking up for years before diagnosis. I remember being so fatigued in high school and having terrible leg pain at times. Of course, you think it is growing pains.
I almost ended up dropping out of college, because it was really hard for me. I was in the clerical/keypunch program. It was a hard program to get placed and I found it even a harder challenge to complete, but I did. Not with the best grades. I had to drop my accounting class and go back to beginning, which I should have done in the first place, but my advisor was just sure I could handle it. I even tried a tutor. Here I was in college and did not feel like I fit in, just like when I was in high school or even further back in grade school.
I did graduate but I did not go through the ceremony, as I still had to complete summer school, as I was a credit short, because my advisor failed to let me on that little detail. I still find that in most situations, I am left out of the loop. I am just going to jump ahead here. I felt you needed some background, so you got a sense of where this was going.
I have always had to work very hard for what I wanted. I have lived on my own, since I was 21 years old. Got my first apartment and had to move out of that one, because the clinic where I was employed at the time was building a new clinic, right where I was living. Again, they didn't bother to tell me. Out of the loop again.
This fitting in business is overrated, as far as I am concerned. I have always marched to the beat of my own drum and I do things, my own way and what works for me. I know that can clash with some, but as I have gotten older and even a little bit wiser, I just don't let that bother me.
I do a lot of things alone. Spending holidays is probably the worst for me. I did that even before my parents both passed away. I would spend the early part of the day with them and then I would have to spend the rest of the day alone, as they were invited to one of my sister's for the rest of the day. You see, I was not invited. Yes, I was even excluded when it came to family. I have no contact with her, as it has been almost 8 years, since I have seen her. It was her choice, but for years I agonized about what had I done? Later it eventually happened to all of us. I just came to the conclusion, that it was her problem, not mine.
For those of you who have your family members, count yourself fortunate, because it can all change in an instant. I found out about a family member passing away, by reading it in the newspaper. I kid you not. I had people contacting me, asking me what happened. Imagine, how you would feel? Once again, left out and still to this day, do not know the exact details.
I also mentioned in my last blog post, that I lost friends, because they could not accept my new normal. That is on them, but it doesn't make me feel any less lonely at times. I have tried to reach out to people in the chronic illness community. I have found that quite challenging. I am the type of person who tries to stay positive, as that is my way of coping with RA and all the other things that I must continue to face.
I feel like I am left out of the loop so much of the time. I give my whole heart and soul to anything that is put before me. I just would appreciate the same consideration. It doesn't seem like too much to ask. Also, if I am questioning something because I don't understand or grasp it, please do not assume, that I am angry. I am just trying to understand the situation. It takes me longer, as I do struggle with comprehension once again. History really does repeat itself in strange ways.
I was so happy to be included in a new project recently. I look forward to working and connecting with some new friends. It has been my dream to develop a small network of friends, from which we can encourage one another. I have no one locally, who truly understands my living with RA or being a BT survivor. That is where social media has been a real help for me. I'm not however, on Twitter and that is not going to change. I know for myself, it would probably be too frustrating for me. I know my limits and what my brain can take in. That is all part of self-care. You do what works for you.
I've had to make some things happen and that is okay. I was very glad to have the clinic share my essay, but I had to take steps to make sure that happened. I have my own method of how I approach advocacy. Having grown up in a small area, I personally like that connection you make, and then you share your story.
I've had a lot of struggles to work through, but every day I fight to make a difference. I know I may never be a part of an elite group, but I will always remember where I came from. So fitting in, again I say is overrated. My mother always told me, "Do what is best for you." Sage advice to end this tale.
Thanks again Trevor, for that wonderful introduction. As a bit of background, I came from a family of 5 girls. I am the youngest and have always felt, like I never quite measured up. I was the sickly child who struggled in school, almost having to repeat the 4th grade, because of so many days missed. I ended up with bronchial pneumonia and landed in the hospital and broke out with the measles. The only thing that saved me from not having to repeat that grade, was the fact that by some miracle, I was able to keep up with all of my homework. I had a really great teacher that year, who made learning so much fun. She was actually the one that picked up on my reading comprehension problem and made sure that I got the extra help that I needed. At the time, I was not happy that I had to go to another room to do what I thought were odd things, but I was a child and didn't understand that this was actually a way of helping me with my reading skills. To this day, I love to read and I have that wonderful teacher to thank for her caring enough about me, to get me to that learning skills room, that I hated so much in the beginning. I also had to go to summer school, because I struggled with math. Years later, I ended up working in the Accounting Department at the clinic where I am employed for nine years. I was told that I did a good job and I learned much from that experience. I also feel that I am really good when it comes to managing my finances. Again, thanks for that summer school and the flash cards, books that my parents purchased, so I could practice. I disliked it at the time, but in the long run, it was good for me.
So, I have always felt like an outsider and I also could sense when someone else was struggling. Call it a sixth sense, if you will. I didn't realize that I did this, but was told years later by a fellow student, that I had stood up for him. He was shy and I could understand a bit of what that was like, as I was shy too. You may find that hard to believe, but I was.
My activities in school consisted of music, as I loved to sing. I took voice lessons to help develop my first soprano voice. It ended up being a terrible experience and in my senior year of high school, I quit, as I did not want my parents to waste their money. I was no longer enjoying them, as I had the previous years. I don't read notes, but I have a good ear. The teacher was trying to teach me to read notes and I just became so frustrated and it seemed like I was never good enough. It got so bad, that for at least a year, I would not sing in public.
I finally just started performing again, mainly in church settings. I did solos mostly, but I was also in the choir. When I was diagnosed with RA, it became real difficult to stand for long periods of time, but I did, because I loved singing. RA was not going to take away what I loved. Eventually I did have to quit choir, but I did a solo now and again. As time went on this church thought that they had to have only the professionals sing on Sunday, so even when I would offer to sing and was told that I would, it became less. I finally did my last solo and that has pretty much been it for singing in churches or for that matter, even attending a church. Since my brain surgery, it has become impossible to even entertain the idea of attending church. I went to a funeral once after and almost had to walk out, as the organ was really getting on my nerves. As I mentioned in my previous blog, loud noises or high pitches, almost send me to the ceiling. If I am home, I have the luxury of turning down the TV. Someone actually suggested that I wear earplugs to church. Not going to happen.
I really don't sing much for anyone, except in the shower or if I am listening to music. Music has always been an escape for me, when things were just too much to handle at times. I really believe that my RA was kicking up for years before diagnosis. I remember being so fatigued in high school and having terrible leg pain at times. Of course, you think it is growing pains.
I almost ended up dropping out of college, because it was really hard for me. I was in the clerical/keypunch program. It was a hard program to get placed and I found it even a harder challenge to complete, but I did. Not with the best grades. I had to drop my accounting class and go back to beginning, which I should have done in the first place, but my advisor was just sure I could handle it. I even tried a tutor. Here I was in college and did not feel like I fit in, just like when I was in high school or even further back in grade school.
I did graduate but I did not go through the ceremony, as I still had to complete summer school, as I was a credit short, because my advisor failed to let me on that little detail. I still find that in most situations, I am left out of the loop. I am just going to jump ahead here. I felt you needed some background, so you got a sense of where this was going.
I have always had to work very hard for what I wanted. I have lived on my own, since I was 21 years old. Got my first apartment and had to move out of that one, because the clinic where I was employed at the time was building a new clinic, right where I was living. Again, they didn't bother to tell me. Out of the loop again.
This fitting in business is overrated, as far as I am concerned. I have always marched to the beat of my own drum and I do things, my own way and what works for me. I know that can clash with some, but as I have gotten older and even a little bit wiser, I just don't let that bother me.
I do a lot of things alone. Spending holidays is probably the worst for me. I did that even before my parents both passed away. I would spend the early part of the day with them and then I would have to spend the rest of the day alone, as they were invited to one of my sister's for the rest of the day. You see, I was not invited. Yes, I was even excluded when it came to family. I have no contact with her, as it has been almost 8 years, since I have seen her. It was her choice, but for years I agonized about what had I done? Later it eventually happened to all of us. I just came to the conclusion, that it was her problem, not mine.
For those of you who have your family members, count yourself fortunate, because it can all change in an instant. I found out about a family member passing away, by reading it in the newspaper. I kid you not. I had people contacting me, asking me what happened. Imagine, how you would feel? Once again, left out and still to this day, do not know the exact details.
I also mentioned in my last blog post, that I lost friends, because they could not accept my new normal. That is on them, but it doesn't make me feel any less lonely at times. I have tried to reach out to people in the chronic illness community. I have found that quite challenging. I am the type of person who tries to stay positive, as that is my way of coping with RA and all the other things that I must continue to face.
I feel like I am left out of the loop so much of the time. I give my whole heart and soul to anything that is put before me. I just would appreciate the same consideration. It doesn't seem like too much to ask. Also, if I am questioning something because I don't understand or grasp it, please do not assume, that I am angry. I am just trying to understand the situation. It takes me longer, as I do struggle with comprehension once again. History really does repeat itself in strange ways.
I was so happy to be included in a new project recently. I look forward to working and connecting with some new friends. It has been my dream to develop a small network of friends, from which we can encourage one another. I have no one locally, who truly understands my living with RA or being a BT survivor. That is where social media has been a real help for me. I'm not however, on Twitter and that is not going to change. I know for myself, it would probably be too frustrating for me. I know my limits and what my brain can take in. That is all part of self-care. You do what works for you.
I've had to make some things happen and that is okay. I was very glad to have the clinic share my essay, but I had to take steps to make sure that happened. I have my own method of how I approach advocacy. Having grown up in a small area, I personally like that connection you make, and then you share your story.
I've had a lot of struggles to work through, but every day I fight to make a difference. I know I may never be a part of an elite group, but I will always remember where I came from. So fitting in, again I say is overrated. My mother always told me, "Do what is best for you." Sage advice to end this tale.
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