A Tale of Holiday Dread...
Before 2017 ends, I want to get this out in the open once and for all. After that, I never want to talk about it again. This will give you a real sense of why I dread the holidays, more and more each year. This year, has by far been the hardest, since I lost my mother.
As a child I always loved the holidays and then one year, I didn't anymore. I was sick for many of them, missing school or church programs, that I looked so forward to. By the time I reached college, it was getting harder and harder to enjoy them. I would go caroling and sing in choirs. I was basically going through the motions.
It was also a busy time at work, as I was working in accounting/mail center. The accounting especially was busy with year end details. Our mail center was ridiculously busy, with personal packages being shipped UPS and USPS. You would have thought we were a regular post office. The question that I received the most was, "When will my package get there?" How was I supposed to know. You should have taken it to the post office in the first place, so you could have it tracked. By the time Christmas came along, I simply had no energy to enjoy it. I usually was so run down that I ended up getting a terrible cold or even worse one year, I ended up with blepharoconjunctivitis. It's a bad case of pink eye along with the lids becoming inflamed. It was very painful and also contagious, as my mother ended up getting it as well. She only got the conjunctivitis, but she also got a bad cold. My mother had asthma also, that would only flare up, if she had to do anything strenuous.
We were both pretty sick that Christmas, but she got better before I did, so she was able to go to spend time with my sister. I had to stay home, as I was pretty much coughing up a lung, or so it felt like. My mother offered to stay with me, but I wasn't going to be selfish, so I said just go. Another great memory of Christmas.
Another time I was to bring something for a brunch. I knew it would not be up to standard and boy was I right. I got yelled at during the dinner, for not making it correctly. I wanted to crawl under the table.
It finally got to the point that I was no longer invited for gatherings. How would that make you feel? I would have Christmas with my parents first, because they didn't feel it was right not to. They would then take me back to my apartment, so they could spend the rest of the day at my sister's place.
On the day that my father passed, my sister and I had it out. She yelled at me and my poor mother had to sit and listen. After that incident, my mother asked me to spend weekends with her, so she would not have to be alone. We became even closer and I think my sister really resented this. If reading this is bothering you, try having lived it. It was pure HELL.
This is now my 7th Christmas without my mother. This year as I mentioned before, has by far been the hardest. I have been subjected to Christmas music at work all day, since Thanksgiving.
There is this person that treats me just like my sister did. She dismisses me and only addresses me when certain people are around, to make herself look good. You're not fooling anyone.
I no longer can attend church because of the loud noises. I don't have the luxury of walking out, if I can't handle it. My acquired brain injury did change my personality. It's really sad that for those who I stood by for so many years and claim to be God-fearing, could not or would not accept the new ME.
It's a complete turnoff to me. I was taught to treat others with kindness. My mother did not have to tout her Christianity. She lived it, by how she treated others. That is what I most admired about her. She had a quiet faith, but it was genuine. I had the pleasure of writing those words for her funeral booklet.
My frontal lobe syndrome kicks in when I see injustice being displayed. I have seen more hatred among others in the past year, than I have experienced in a lifetime. I have friends who are gay. So what? They have feelings and contribute to society, just like you and me. Everyone has a right to be happy and to have equal rights, no matter what. I've become much more empathetic, when I see someone being wronged.
I got criticized for how the care of my mother was handled. I was virtually alone in all of the decision making. What was I supposed to do? I thought that maybe after all I had done, that things would get a little easier. Not the case, they have just become harder.
I have been alone for every holiday, since my mother passed. I get so sick and tired of people asking, what I will be doing for this one or that one.
This year has been no different. It has been many days of crying. Loneliness is not a beautiful thing. I try to honor my mother's memory every day by fighting. Why do I always have to be alone?
They say if you do things for others, that gets your mind off of yourself. That is true up to a point. I did many things this year. I even gave to someone that I hardly know, because I felt bad for their situation. I don't ever expect to hear anything back, but that's not the point of giving, is it? I have been giving to charities, since my sister asked us to do it one year. I have just continued with that tradition.
I do not send Christmas cards. Those of you that were kind enough to send me one, I thank you. You all received private messages on Facebook. I don't have the strength to do that. I work full-time and I am exhausted after a day of work.
I can't wait for this holiday season to be over. I have plans for 2018. This blog is going to evolve in a big way. You will have to wait and see.
For those of you who took the time to read this post, I thank you. For those of you, who found it uncomfortable to read, I do not apologize. Sometimes the truth needs to be shared.
~Brenda~
As a child I always loved the holidays and then one year, I didn't anymore. I was sick for many of them, missing school or church programs, that I looked so forward to. By the time I reached college, it was getting harder and harder to enjoy them. I would go caroling and sing in choirs. I was basically going through the motions.
It was also a busy time at work, as I was working in accounting/mail center. The accounting especially was busy with year end details. Our mail center was ridiculously busy, with personal packages being shipped UPS and USPS. You would have thought we were a regular post office. The question that I received the most was, "When will my package get there?" How was I supposed to know. You should have taken it to the post office in the first place, so you could have it tracked. By the time Christmas came along, I simply had no energy to enjoy it. I usually was so run down that I ended up getting a terrible cold or even worse one year, I ended up with blepharoconjunctivitis. It's a bad case of pink eye along with the lids becoming inflamed. It was very painful and also contagious, as my mother ended up getting it as well. She only got the conjunctivitis, but she also got a bad cold. My mother had asthma also, that would only flare up, if she had to do anything strenuous.
We were both pretty sick that Christmas, but she got better before I did, so she was able to go to spend time with my sister. I had to stay home, as I was pretty much coughing up a lung, or so it felt like. My mother offered to stay with me, but I wasn't going to be selfish, so I said just go. Another great memory of Christmas.
Another time I was to bring something for a brunch. I knew it would not be up to standard and boy was I right. I got yelled at during the dinner, for not making it correctly. I wanted to crawl under the table.
It finally got to the point that I was no longer invited for gatherings. How would that make you feel? I would have Christmas with my parents first, because they didn't feel it was right not to. They would then take me back to my apartment, so they could spend the rest of the day at my sister's place.
On the day that my father passed, my sister and I had it out. She yelled at me and my poor mother had to sit and listen. After that incident, my mother asked me to spend weekends with her, so she would not have to be alone. We became even closer and I think my sister really resented this. If reading this is bothering you, try having lived it. It was pure HELL.
This is now my 7th Christmas without my mother. This year as I mentioned before, has by far been the hardest. I have been subjected to Christmas music at work all day, since Thanksgiving.
There is this person that treats me just like my sister did. She dismisses me and only addresses me when certain people are around, to make herself look good. You're not fooling anyone.
I no longer can attend church because of the loud noises. I don't have the luxury of walking out, if I can't handle it. My acquired brain injury did change my personality. It's really sad that for those who I stood by for so many years and claim to be God-fearing, could not or would not accept the new ME.
It's a complete turnoff to me. I was taught to treat others with kindness. My mother did not have to tout her Christianity. She lived it, by how she treated others. That is what I most admired about her. She had a quiet faith, but it was genuine. I had the pleasure of writing those words for her funeral booklet.
My frontal lobe syndrome kicks in when I see injustice being displayed. I have seen more hatred among others in the past year, than I have experienced in a lifetime. I have friends who are gay. So what? They have feelings and contribute to society, just like you and me. Everyone has a right to be happy and to have equal rights, no matter what. I've become much more empathetic, when I see someone being wronged.
I got criticized for how the care of my mother was handled. I was virtually alone in all of the decision making. What was I supposed to do? I thought that maybe after all I had done, that things would get a little easier. Not the case, they have just become harder.
I have been alone for every holiday, since my mother passed. I get so sick and tired of people asking, what I will be doing for this one or that one.
This year has been no different. It has been many days of crying. Loneliness is not a beautiful thing. I try to honor my mother's memory every day by fighting. Why do I always have to be alone?
They say if you do things for others, that gets your mind off of yourself. That is true up to a point. I did many things this year. I even gave to someone that I hardly know, because I felt bad for their situation. I don't ever expect to hear anything back, but that's not the point of giving, is it? I have been giving to charities, since my sister asked us to do it one year. I have just continued with that tradition.
I can't wait for this holiday season to be over. I have plans for 2018. This blog is going to evolve in a big way. You will have to wait and see.
For those of you who took the time to read this post, I thank you. For those of you, who found it uncomfortable to read, I do not apologize. Sometimes the truth needs to be shared.
~Brenda~
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