Brenda's Tale; In Her Own Words...

Well, it's that time again for another tale.  Trevor insisted on being able to pick the title.  I think he really watches too much NBC Nightly News.  Since, I am giving him some time off, as he has been doing an exceptional job with writing...I let the dog have his bone, so to speak.

I am going to be sharing my personal feelings in regards to the events that have happened this year so far.

As many of you know, my mother passed away on May 31, 2011.  I also lost my brother-in-law this year in April who was married to my oldest sister.  I can't imagine losing a husband and then a little over a month later, losing your mom.

We found out on March 30th that mom was dying.  I was informed by my PCP, while I was at work.  I just got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I really thought she was beginning to get better.

That's just how fast things would change.  It was pretty much like that the whole time, since she first entered the hospital on February 4th, when this whole ordeal began.

I had no idea that the following Wednesday on February 9th, she would be entering a nursing home.

She had seemed to be doing very well after her thoracentesis to remove the fluid from behind her lung.

When I arrived at the hospital the next morning, it had all changed once again.  She was talking to the hospitalist, about the possibility of going to a nursing home.  I could just not believe this was happening and so fast.

So they started contacting different ones in the area.  There were 4 different places that had openings.  Mom told me to be sure to bear in mind that she wanted, The Baptist Home.  The reason being, because I lived so close and would be able to be there almost every day.  I did not want her to think that she would be deserted. 

So a day before she entered the home...again, I received another call at work, that she would be entering the home the following morning.  This was going way too fast, my head was spinning.

I couldn't think fast enough to make arrangements to be with her when she entered.  That is the only thing I would have changed.  I would have been there.  She was still very alert at this point and was able to fill out the paperwork, so I wasn't concerned about that. 

When I got there that evening, it changed again.  She wanted to go back to her apartment. She was in tears and begged me to take her home.  I understand that completely.  She was taken out of her apartment in an ambulance less than a week before.  2 days prior to going to the hospital, she was still driving, running her errands and able to do most things around the apartment. 

I can just imagine the fear of losing her independence.  She was always taking care of someone else.  She enjoyed that, as it gave her a sense of purpose.

I am going to backtrack here somewhat.  After my sister died 8 years ago from colon cancer...my dad just seemed to go downhill and not long after that he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  I wanted to help with this as much as I could, because mom did not want him going to a nursing home.  She told me once, it would feel like she was divorcing him. 

I tried to come every weekend and stay, so mom could at least do some things without worrying that he would wander off, etc.  It was at this time that mom & I really became a team.  One of our doctors even made that observation once.

That went on for over 4 years.  When we finally had to put him in a nursing home, it was really sad for both of us.  One, because he was over 60 miles from us.  We live in ND, so we probably wouldn't be able to make it there every weekend.  He only lived less than 8 days after that. 

So after my father passed, mom asked me to please give her things to do, as she wanted that sense of purpose back again.  Only this time, we could do things for each other.  That's how it was.  I was not her favorite...as she had plenty of love to go around for all of us.  I hated being referred as that, as it just was not true.

We had a lot of good times together.  We would go shopping, or go to movies.  Yes...my mom saw "The Hangover"  Gasp!  She had a great sense of humor and she loved the tiger.  I won't say anymore, in case you haven't seen it. 

I enjoyed doing things for her, as she did so many wonderful things for me.  She had great ideas and was so talented.  She made my curtains for my apartment and also made pillows with the extra material that was left over from the drapes I bought.

We faced another challenge in 2008, when I was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  We'd been through so much already, but she was so calm about it and I think I was in shock.  We really made a great team.  She sat with me in the ICU and didn't have to say a word, just her being there was enough.


After I had my brain surgery another surprise came up in that I didn't like to be alone at night.  I found myself spending more nights at mom's apartment.  This would get better and then worse.  I can't explain it.  Finally after almost 3 years it has gotten much better. 


There is something I would like to share with you.  Now, I am a person of faith.  I don't know if it is great or not, but here's my story.  As I was sitting in the room with mom in the ER...just for a split second, I felt something touch my shoulder.  I thought at first I was imagining this but then, I felt such a calm and peace, that I could not explain it.  I knew I was not going to lose mom that day.

I have really been struggling a lot lately, which I guess is normal.  I also battle with Rheumatoid Arthritis, as I have for over 20 years now.  I am sure that the stress in my life has not helped.  I have managed to work even though, some days have been rough. 

The sad thing about this is that one of my family members, has never acknowledged the fact the I have RA.  Their response was, everybody gets aches and pains.  Oh really!  If any of you suffer from this, you know that it is not just a pulled muscle, which gets better with time.  You have swollen joints that get red and hot.  Sometimes you just want to scream, because the pain is so bad. 

I have for the most part been able to keep my wits about me...but I am now in the grieving mode.  From what I have been reading...I am to find a safe person in my life, who I can feel comfortable sharing some of this with.  I thought for starters...I would share with my readers. 

I am also not going to get involved in one sided friendships.  No emotional vampires allowed.  I need encouragement and help to get through this.  I have always tried to be there for others. 

One thing my mom asked me once.  "Why is it that you always think you have to do more than others?" I guess I never really looked at it that way before.  I just always wanted to help in any way I could.

I was glad that I could be there for my mom but I have to tell you, it drained me to my core.  I would pretty much after work go to the home and sit with her.  My weekends...I spend hours there.  I didn't want her to think I was deserting her.  My life has pretty much been on hold for quite some time now...even before this all happened.  I am not complaining.  I am just sharing with you...that there is a lot you go through when you lose a parent or loved one.

I have been going out again and having fun.  Mom told me to live my life and grab...when I want something.  She really encouraged me to go to the Elton John concert.  She said, "You never do anything for yourself and you can afford it."  I guess she was right on both counts.  I went and I had the time of my life.  It was a dream come true.

Another thing...that was very important to her, was that I take my trip to Omaha for the Meningioma Mommas Meet & Greet weekend.  She was to go with me, but that didn't work out.  I went and I am really glad I did.  I had a wonderful time and everybody was so kind in asking about her.

Before I go here,  I just want to again thank everyone who has sent cards and words of encouragement...throughout this past month.  The memorial went to The Salvation Army for the flood relief right here in Bismarck-Mandan.

Thanks for allowing me to share this story in my own words.